Hockey season is just around the corner, and considering I just got a shipment of snapbacks in I figured a bro countdown was in order. What consists of being a bro? The three B’s: Booze, Broads, Beauty.
Number 5: Andrew Desjardins (San Jose Sharks)
If you followed the NHL playoffs this year and were keeping an eye on the Sharks as they moved through the rounds, at one point in time you had to say out loud to your buddy at the bar, “Who the fuck is the clown wearing number 69?” Yeah, that would be Andrew Desjardins. Who gives two shits that in his first year in the NHL he only had 4 points in 20 games? The fact that he had the balls to be only the second player (Mel Anglestad the first) in NHL history to wear the number 69 is absolutely hysterical. He says that the reason why he wears number 69 is because it was the number given to him in camp and you can’t change it after a certain amount of time… Okay buddy. How about you answer with the truth like “Why 69? Because its fucking hysterical, how can you not laugh when you look in the stands and see a 6 year-old wearing a number 69 jersey?” No flow, no wheels that I know of, and who knows if he even drinks… the sole fact that he wears number 69 puts you on this list.
Number 4: Evgeni Malkin (Pittsburgh Penguins)
The first of two Russians on this list, and although Malkin seems to be a lightweight in my opinion, this dude is always caught being wasted. He even speaks better english drunk (http://youtu.be/BPEljV0egOM). When asked how it felt to win the cup, he simply replied: “Big series, We win.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Geno is notorious for being caught with broads that are sixes at best, and coming from a writer who prides himself in being able to metaphorically tackle that rating of women like Bateman tackles Martel in the Replacements, I can definitely understand and respect that. Once again, no flow, and a dusty half-shield, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one, because ever since Darius Kasparitus left the Pens, we need a bro, and I think Geno took over the reins. Oh and this picture helps:
Number 3: Sean Avery
He would definitely be number one or two on this list had Sportscenter not exploited the guy who always wins the award for ‘most hated nhl player’ for his fashion sense and absurd professionalism off the ice. As soon as I heard him say “I can definitely appreciate a nice purse” I was definitely on the fence whether or not he was still in the closet. But then, perhaps the greatest pre-game press conference verbatim ever happened. Before a game in Calgary, Sean Avery called the media over to make a statement and unloaded this glorious quote toward Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf … “I’m really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada, and I just want to comment on how it’s become a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what’s that about, but enjoy the game tonight.” AND THEN WALKS AWAY. One of the funniest fucking things that has ever been said pre-game by any athlete. Oh and this ‘sloppy seconds’ he’s talking about… is Elisha Cuthbert, and she is a 10 before she puts makeup on. He’s also dated Rachel Hunter and Super model Hilary Rhoda… decent track record. He chirps, he wheels, and although most people hate him, I think what he does for the game is great.
Number Two: George Parros
If you followed my blog I wrote for Thread Magazine, then you can recall the entire post that I donated to the one and only George Parros. I said then and I will continue to argue now that he is a first ballot entrance into the bro hall of fame. He has an insane mustache, great flow, does a ton for his community and for charities, and all of this on an $800,000 salary, which is fairly low in comparison to the rest of his locker room. Parros is also a fucking genius, considering he went to Princeton and wrote his senior thesis on the West Coast longshoremen’s labor dispute, which the thought of gives me a migraine. If dress game was all that mattered in the NHL, Parros would be Gretzky, Orr, Richard, and Lemieux combined. There is no way around the fact that although he rides the bench 50 minutes a game, he is the biggest beauty in the rink at all times.
There isn’t even a competition for who is number 1 though.
Number One: Alex Ovechkin
I mean come on. Was it ever even a guess? Brovechkin, Brovy Wan Kenobi, The Easily Baked Broven. I recalled the three B’s : Broads, Booze, Beauty. And no one covers all three spectrum’s like Ovy. Lets start with Broads: Well, I’m just going to assume before even doing any research that arguably the most skilled winger ever to play the game doesn’t have a problem wheeling broads. Hell, I know 4th line guys in juniors who would make up stories about having D1 scholarships, and they were wheeling birds away from football players who already were in school on a D1 scholarship. According to BroBible, Ovechkin got with two Russian dimes during an interview for GQ, and there are numerous pictures around the web of him macking on our nation capital’s finest hunnies. Oh and did I mention he chews too? He does everything right. As for booze, Ovechkin has publicly stated numerous times that he loves to party, and since he is from Russia, he loves Vodka. There is nothing like a guy who is one of the best goal scorers in the NHL, drives the fastest cars known to man, bangs the hottest broads on the planet, drinks vodka straight out of the bottle, and celey’s like an absolute beast. I love goal celebrations. The fact that every time Ovechkin scores, he acts out the celebration that would have ensued had Gordon Bombay went bar down instead of bar out when he was a peewee in The Mighty Ducks is nothing short of remarkable. He wheels, he boozes, he parties, he celeys, he scores – The equation for the biggest bro the NHL has to offer.
Honorable Mention: Chris Chelios
I am only putting this because two weeks ago when I walked into the bar, who is the first person I see? Chris Fucking Chelios. And not only is he absolutely shit faced, but he is all over this broad who was young enough to be his daughter, which made me feel pretty bad for Deano, considering his dad probably wheels hotter broads than him… but then I remember he plays for Michigan State and I’m sure he’s doing okay. My dude and I approached Cheli and told him he had to let us buy him a drink, he says, and I quote, “Fuck that.” He proceeds to walk behind the bar, passed the manager, reaches under the bar and grabs two bud lights, he then walks over and hands them to us, and then bullshits with us for about 10 minutes before going back to wheel his newly 21 year old blonde smoke show. Props to Cheli.