5 Fantasy Football Lessons from Week 1

With two games tonight, and having locked up wins in both fantasy leagues I am in, I felt a little inspired to write a little article about what week 1 has taught us owners thus far. The good, the bad, the ugly, the frustrating, and the what the hell moments that kept our hungover selves glued to the TV for opening weekend.


1. The Chiefs Blow

It’s no surprise that the Chiefs aren’t expected to be a playoff team, but with a week 1 game at home against the Bills, owners were expecting some light out of guys like Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe. Charles was a top 5 overall pick this year, and in his first game against a defense that was dead last against the run last year (and it wasn’t even close, they gave up 250 more rushing yards than any other team) he was atrocious, although he did score the lone TD on a 6 yard pass from Cassel. The Chiefs defense was so bad that Charles almost immediately became a non factor because they couldn’t stop Hellen Keller if she was walking through quicksand. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw 4 touchdown passes! My housemates and I could play 7 on 7 against the Bills and probably hold him to three. I was never really high on Jamaal this year, but his stock plummeted and it has nothing to do with his ability. If their defense can’t stop a beach ball with a tennis racket than he is going to be a non-factor for fantasy owners all year.

2. Cam Newton is For Real

Don’t want to say I told you so… but according to my last post, I told you so. I know – it’s only one game. But 440 total yards from a guy who is only owned in 25% of ESPN leagues, and was only started in 3% of ESPN leagues is pretty special. The biggest upside to Newton is that the Panthers are just so bad they are going to need Newton to go off every game just to keep them in it. He had the best fantasy day of any QB and his team still lost, which is definitely saying something. If he isn’t owned in your league, and you don’t have an elite QB (Vick, Rodgers, Brees, or Brady), I highly recommend grabbing him while you can.

3. DeAngelo Who?

This one hurts to write because I was really up on Dub Williams this year, even though Carolina decided to keep Jonathon Stewart around. They paid him 50+ million dollars and he gets 12 carries? I just don’t get it. Stewart was having more success against a decent-at-best Cardinals run defense, but I still think you gotta trust the guy who you just made the highest paid player on your team. Newton’s huge day was a huge catalyst to the horrendous day that Williams had, but in order for this team to win games D. Will is going to have to get more involved in the offense. He had zero fantasy points at half time, which is probably the first time that has ever happened in games he has started. He ended with a glorious 30 yards receiving and one non-sense catch, which is not what owners expecting to have a reliable number 2 back in their lineup were expecting.

4. D/ST Can Win Games

There is a reason why I always advise owners to pick and choose their defenses on a week by week basis. The Chicago Bears proved this week that the correct choice of defense can help you win a matchup. They had 20+ points in standard ESPN leagues, which is more than game-changing. They had 5 sacks, 2 fumble recoveries, a pick, only gave up 12 points, and held the ATL to under 400 yards of total offense. People that draft defenses early in their draft should have to wear a helmet, because it is a huge waste of a pick. Look at the matchups, and follow your defenses week-by-week progressions, and make educated choices. Many people in your league will be too lazy to do this, therefore giving you a better chance to win each and every week.

5. Ray Rice Might Be This Years Arian Foster

Rice was well known this year, but he was ranked really low by most experts and I had no idea why. I drafted 9th and 10th overall in my two drafts this year, and Rice fell to me in both drafts somehow. He was in my mind the 2nd best RB in the draft behind AP. Sure they got Ricky Williams, but Williams will not vulture in that offense like Willis McGahee had in the past. Rice is the most versatile RB in the league when it comes to being able to run the ball behind a great offensive line, and catch the ball out of the backfield, which is so crucial in PPR leagues. Another name that pops up is Reggie Bush, who might have a huge year this year because I don’t think Henne can throw the ball further than 20 yards. With the goalline vulture gone in Baltimore, don’t be surprised if Ray Rice becomes the top dog in fantasy football.



5 Biggest Fantasy Football Sleepers

Yeah buddy. The season is right around the corner and drafts are about to be poppin off like crazy. Here are 5 guys that you should consider in the later rounds of your draft:

1. Roy Helu, Jr. (RB, Washington Redskins, 13th Round)

The 105th overall pick out of Nebraska in the 2011 NFL draft should work his way up the depth chart on a Redskins offense that will be heavily emphasized on running the ball. With questions at quarterback, and a coach in Mike Shanahan who loves to run, all 3 backs should get plenty of touches. I couldn’t believe he slipped to the 4th round in the draft as he shows that he is able to handle a load of 25 carries a Sunday, as he ran for over 1,000 yards the last 2 seasons in college while battling through injuries. Sure, he is prone to injury in a much bigger and faster league, but he is also fighting for time behind Ryan Torain and Tim Hightower. Torain is dealing with a hand injury right now, and Hightower never really awed anybody with his abilities in Arizona. Hightower will probably end the year with the most fantasy points out of the 3, but if Helu is creepin around the 13th round or so, it’s time to take him off the board. If Torain continues to struggle to stay healthy, Helu could be a staple if something were to happen to Hightower.

Dont Draft: James Starks, GB

2. Emmanuel Sanders (WR, Pittsburgh Steelers, 15th round)

He needs to get healthy, this is for sure. He had a procedure done on his foot in the beginning of camp this year, but he is Pittsburgh’s 3rd best receiver. Mike wallace is going to be a top 5 receiver this year, and Heath Miller will be a top 10 TE again. The change here is that Hines Ward is getting old. Sanders has crept above Antwaan Randel El and Antonio Brown, and is a great deep threat on 3rd and long situations where defenses will be focusing more on the vertical threat of Wallace, and zoning the middle of the field to contain Miller. He will see a lot of 1 on 1 coverage and with his speed he should be able to have some days that definitely make him draftable.

Dont Draft: Jordy Nelson, GB

3. Mike Thomas (WR, Jacksonville Jaguars, Top 20 WR)

This might be the most important one, and definitely the most relevant in leagues that carry a flex and 2 WR’s. On ESPN, he is projected as the number 34 WR which I can’t even believe. ESPN has A.J. Green ahead of him… and the Bengals are counting on Andy Dalton to play quarterback. If you don’t know who Andy Dalton is… well thats my point exactly. David Garrard is one of the most underrated QB’s in the league and with Mike Sims-Walker out of the picture in JAX, Mike Thomas will be the guy. Jacksonville plays in a division that is decent at best against the pass, and with Mercedes Lewis becoming a reliable TE over the middle of the field, Mike Thomas will find ways to get open on the outside. I would take him as the 25th WR off the board to be safe, considering he is projected to go 10 position slots lower, but don’t be surprised if he ends the year as a top 20 wideout.

Dont Draft: A.J. Green, CIN

4. Cam Newton (QB, Carolina Panthers, Last non-kicker/D-ST pick)

Going out on a huge limb here, because he isn’t going to get drafted in 99% of fantasy drafts. Remember though, Mike Vick went undrafted around that same percentile last year. The only reason why I am saying he is not a terrible pick in that position is because his upside is huge. I watched him play in their first pre-season game, and this guy has some serious talent. It wasn’t a fluke that he made college defenses look like high school teams. Here is what he has going for him in fantasy terms: Defenses are going to stack the box against DeAngelo Williams so Newton will be able to afford to take some shots down the field. The Panthers also signed Legedu Naanee, and besides having the greatest name in football, he should actually become a decent 2nd option next to Steve Smith, and they also got Greg Olsen to give him a decent option in the middle. Oh and did I mention the Panthers suck? Newton will have more garbage fantasy points then any other QB this year, and garbage points often decide games. If you have the balls, draft him.

Dont Draft: Kevin Kolb

5. Brandon Pettigrew (TE, Detroit Lions, Top 7 TE)

This is the year. Dear god, please let this be the year. The Lions are going to be an actual team this year, and might make the playoffs if they find a way to win against their division. If Stafford stays healthy, Pettigrew will be a hell of a tight end. All the pieces are there, they have an elite receiver in Calvin Johnson who will be heavily guarded in the red zone, which is where TE’s not named Antonio Gates make their impact known. Pettigrew is their best option inside the 20 and don’t be surprised to see him have around 900 yards this season, with close to 8 TD’s. He will be a force this year, and should definitely be drafted late 7th round.

Dont Draft: Kellen Winslow



Tribute to Rick Rypien

It pains me to write that Rick Rypien was found dead in his Alberta home yesterday. I had no personal ties with him, but he was definitely a player that I admired, and it is quite unfortunate that the one thing he will probably be known for is when he let his frustrations get the best of him and grabbed a Minnesota Wild fan and tried to pull him into the tunnel after being ejected from a game.

The reason why I admired him was because he worked his way into the league from the bottom up. He played in the WHL and went undrafted when it was the year of the ’84’s. He was given a tryout with the Manitoba Moose of the AHL and was given a spot due his toughness, fearlessness, and passion he showed for the game.

As he moved back and forth between Manitoba of AHL and Vancouver of the NHL, he struggled with injuries – mainly from fights. He commonly broke fingers, he suffered a sports hernia, and broke his fibula during his career. After Vancouver gave him a personal leave of absence in November of 2010, rumors spread that Rypien was having mental health issues, and was struggling with severe depression. By March of this year however, it was speculated that he was ready to play, and in a press conference made clear that the past was behind him and he was ready to pursue what he loved to do, playing hockey. He signed a one-year $700,000 contract with the Winnipeg Jets, and was expected to be a pivotal 4th line player in the teams first season since 1996.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I made the 21st, and final spot, of my high school team, and was told by my coach to find a couple role players in the NHL that I could attempt to idolize on the ice. Rypien was one of these players. He was 5’11” 190 lbs. and wouldn’t take shit from anyone. He was notorious for fighting guys much bigger than him and took pride in being able to grind out the opponents top scoring line. I eventually moved up to the 2nd line of our team, and ended the year with the game-winning primary assist in the state finals to win our high schools first ever state championship in hockey. That year I spent nights watching film of guys like Kris Draper, Andre Roy, Jason Strudwick, and Rick Rypien. After that year, I went on to be the first two-time first team all-state player in Traverse City history, captain my junior team in Motor City, and make my dream of playing college hockey at Ohio University. Without the motives installed in me at a young age from watching Rypien play when I was only 15, I don’t know how far I would have went.

When I played juniors, I was scared shitless to ever drop the gloves, yet I did it because of the mentality I learned from watching Rypien play. To repeat the cliche saying, its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.

He was one of the best pound per pound fighters of his era. He could throw with both hands, and learned how to block with his left and counter. Rick will never know how many young players, like myself, that he influenced, but heaven apparently needed a tough guy.

Rick “Rypper” Rypien… May you rest in peace.

5 Reasons Not to Draft Mike Vick as Your First Pick

Cue the music… It’s the most wonderful time… of the year. Where football gets watching, and our hearts are stopping, and we all give the wonderful cheer! It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Fantasy football is among us and I am here to tell you why the one player who was the sole cause of thousands of matchups should NOT be a part of your team. I mean I know the argument, he can run and he can throw. But FF success is all about consistency. Here are 5 reasons why you should avoid Vick in the first round.

1. Draft a RB first

No matter your level of experience make sure you heavily study the dynamics of the point system that controls your league. I’ve heard a lot of stories, and I’ve experienced some situations first hand, where the commissioner will alter the point systems to favor certain positions, or the tendencies of certain players. It is crucial to know if you are in a PPR (point per reception) league, or not, as this should alter your draft strategy as well. Fact of the matter is, finding a replacement quarterback is a lot easier then finding a replacement running back, and this is why you should almost ALWAYS choose a RB in the first round. Not only are rushing touchdowns worth more then passing touchdowns, but the added receiving yards by capable backs and the occasional receiving TD will almost always trump even a huge day by your standard QB. Arian Foster, Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson, Rashard Mendenhall, Jamaal Charles, and Maurice Jones-Drew should all come off the board before Vick is even coming to your brain.

2. Too Injury Prone

Get used to this picture this season:

Sick mouthguard bro

Maybe it’s karma for all the pitbulls that he hurt over the years, or maybe it’s because he’s just too risky on the field. It is impossible to put an offensive line together that can block consistently for someone who is out of the pocket as often as Vick. The Eagles were 3rd to last in sacks given up last season with 49. That’s 3 per game, and its fairly easy to predict that a shaky offensive line at best is going to have trouble keeping Vick injury free all season.

3. Schedule

Although they get the pleasure of having the Redskins in their division, they have to deal with the Giants and Cowboys twice a year – last season the Giants were 9th in the NFL in pass defense, and Dallas had the 7th most interceptions. They also play the Jets, Bills, and Dolphins this season – all 3 were in the top 10 in passing defense last season.

4. Defensive Coordinators Won’t Be Surprised

Last year Vick started the season as the backup behind Kevin Kolb, and when Kolb went down, Vick showed the entire league that he hadn’t lost a step while he was behind bars. During the lockout, what do you think most coaches were spending their time doing? Watching film. They couldn’t communicate with their players, or organize any team related activities so many defensive coordinators got to kick back, relax, and study more film then a normal off season. I can guarantee that not only the three teams in the Eagles division were paying special attention to Vick’s tendencies, but teams that play Philly early in the season such as the Rams and Falcons had to be taking notes around the clock. He won’t surprise any body this year, and won’t be putting up 40+ fantasy points a week consistently like he did last year.

5. If You Really Want to Take a QB: Take A-Rod

The question among fantasy analysts this summer has been A-Rod (the one not on roids) or dog beater guy.. I mean Vick. And Rodgers is by far the better option in my opinion. Over the last 3 seasons, A-Rod has averaged over 4000 passing yards and just under 300 rushing yards per season. Not to mention his passing TD to INT ratio is 87:32 over that same span. The tipping point though? He has atleast 4 rushing touchdowns in the last 3 seasons. And that is why A-Rod > Vick.

So there you go, even in a 10 team league, there is no reason for Vick to go in the first round.

The 5 Best Draft Picks In NHL History

With the early round draft picks of the 2011 entry draft coming to terms with contracts with their new squads, I figured I would break down the 5 greatest draft picks ever in the history of the glorious National Hockey League. Now people immediately begin to think of draft picks like Crosby, Ovechkin, Malkin, etc. but they will not be included in this countdown. Why? Because they were kind of obvious selections. Crosby was a first overall pick in 2005, and Ovie and Geno went one, two, respectively, in 2004.

All 3 of these picks worked out, unlike some picks selected in the top 5 overall in decades past… (see Alexandre Volchkov, Pavel Brendl, and Jason Bonisgnore). What goes into this selection are those players that were selected at a later round, or seemingly out of no where, and ended up being NHL superstars.

Number Five: Nicklas Lidstrom (Detroit Red Wings, 53rd Overall in 1989)

The Swedish born defenseman was a surprise pick by the Wings when his name was announced during the second round of the 1989 draft. European players were still seen as a risky move in the NHL and Lidstrom wasn’t exactly dominating the SEL (Swedish Elite League), where he played for Vasteras IK. After being drafted, Lidstrom accumulated 39 points over 77 games in Sweden, and was brought up to the show for the 1991-92 season mainly due to his size and defensive abilities. What the Red Wings found out was they found one of the shiniest diamonds ever found in the rough of the NHL draft. The current captain of the wings has spent all 19 seasons with Detroit, has won 7 Norris trophies (award given to the NHL’s top defenseman), 4 Stanley Cup rings, a Gold Medal in 2006 at the Winter Olympics, has been in 11 All-Star games,  and was named the “NHL Player of the Decade” by Sports Illustrated. Not bad for a guy selected on the back end of the second round on a wimb. Lidstrom has 1291 points in 1752 career games in the NHL, and will return to the Red Wings blue line for his 20th season this fall.

Number Four: Brett Hull (Calgary Flames, 117th Overall in 1984)

Scouts were somehow skeptical of Hull’s skill even though his father, Bobby Hull (whose autographed picture hangs above my nightstand by the way), is arguably the greatest left winger to ever play the game and revolutionized the position in the 1960s and early 70s. Brett dominated throughout his junior career, where he played 2 years with the Penticton Knights in the BCJHL, notching 292 points in 107 games. After being drafted, Brett went and played a pair of seasons for the University of Minnesota-Duluth, where he displayed his scoring potential – putting up 84 goals in 90 contests. Hull spent his first 2 years bouncing around between the AHL and NHL, and it wasn’t until he was traded to the St. Louis Blues during the 1987-88 season where he started to take off as a scoring dynamo. Brett spent his next 10 full seasons with the Blues, where he had 922 points in 733 games. He would end his career with 3-year stints in both Dallas, and Detroit, and is remembered by many hockey fans due to his controversial overtime goal in game 6 of the 1999 stanley cup finals for the Dallas Stars, where his skate looked to be in the crease as he slid the cup winning goal passed Dominik Hasek. Brett Hull would finish his career with 1391 points, good enough for 21st all time in NHL history. He is also the NHL’s all time scoring leader among American born players.

View the goal for yourself… Legit or no?

Number Three: Dominik Hasek (Chicago Blackhawks, 199th Overall in 1983)

Dominik Hasek wouldn’t make his way over to the States until 1990, and would be traded in 1992 from Chicago to Buffalo. He was the first goaltender to revolutionize the position since Terry Sawchuk in the 1950’s and 60’s. Hasek would eventually win two Stanley Cup rings with the Detroit Red Wings, but is better known for the nine years he spent as a Buffalo Sabre. He would win 6 Vezina trophies as the leagues best goalie in Buffalo, and perhaps an even more impressive 2 Hart Trophies, which is given to the player “adjudged most valuable to his team.” Hasek won the award in back-to-back seasons in 1996-97 and 1997-98 and was the first goaltender to win the award since Jacque Plante in 1962. “The Dominater” is best known for his unorthodox style of netminding and extreme athleticism, he retired from the NHL after the 2008 season. He is 11th all-time in Wins, and finished with a 2.20 Goals Against Average throughout his career, which is lower than any other goaltender in the top 30 for wins.

Not the best fighter though, as number 5 on TSN’s countdown of Hasek’s top 10 moments shows…

Number Two: Patrick Roy (Montreal Canadiens, 51st overall in 1984)

Patrick Roy was the 3rd goalie selected in the 1984 draft, looked over by New Jersey and Edmonton, who selected Craig Billington and Daryl Reaugh, respectively, before Montreal took Roy off the board. Patrick Roy would go on to become arguably the greatest goaltender of all-time. He is one of only two goaltenders to play over 1000 games (Martin Brodeur the other), and is second all-time in wins with 551. Roy won four Stanley Cups: two with Montreal, and two with the Colorado Avalanche. He is also the only goaltender in NHL history to win the Conn Smythe Trophy (given to the MVP of the playoffs) three times. He is notorious for his toughness, as well as perfecting the Butterfly style of goaltending, which is the common technique taught to Canadian goaltenders. Roy holds numerous records, including the record for most consecutive overtime wins in the playoffs with 10. Roy is also one of only six players to have his number (33) retired by two teams.

Number One: Mark Messier (Edmonton Oilers, 48th Overall in 1979)

The most interesting thing about the 1979 draft is the fact that there were two different draft classes because the league changed the draft age from 19 to 18. As a result, the draft was stacked with talent. Some of the players selected before Messier include Mike Gartner (1335 career points), Ray Bourque (1579 career points), Michel Goulet (1152 career points), and Dale Hunter (1020 career points). As an 18 year-old in the WHA, playing for the Cincinnati Stingers, Messier failed to shine, accumulating only 11 points and 58 penalty minutes in 47 games, which failed to give him a blue-chip target as the draft approached. Many scouts saw him as more of a grinding forward, as opposed to a goal scorer. Edmonton couldn’t have foreseen the career Messier would go on to have. “The Messiah” had a 25-year NHL career with the Edmonton Oilers, Vancouver Canucks, and the New York Rangers, and is notarized as one of the greatest leaders in the history of sports. He won 6 Stanley Cups, and is the only player in the history of professional sports to captain two different professional organizations to championships.  Messier was a 15-time All Star and also won 2 Hart trophies. He is the NHL’s second leading scorer of all time (behind only Wayne Gretzky), and finished his career with 694 goals and 1193 assists, in 1756 contests. Messier is notorious for publicly guaranteeing a victory before game 6 of the 1994 Eastern Conference Finals, where they were down 3-2 in the series against division rival New Jersey. He would go on to famously record a natural hat-trick and lead the Rangers to their first Stanley Cup in 54 years.

It gives me chills watching the highlight:

Honorable Mentions:

Henrik Zetterberg (Detroit Red Wings, 210th Overall in 1999)

Pavel Datsyuk (Detroit Red Wings, 171st Overall in 1998)

Luc Robitaille (Los Angeles Kings, 171st Overall in 1984)

Mark Recchi (Pittsburgh Penguins, 67th Overall in 1988)

And just so I can shout out to Sault Ste. Marie:

Rick Tocchet (Philadelphia Flyers, 121st Overall in 1983)

Top 5 Biggest Bro’s in the NHL

Hockey season is just around the corner, and considering I just got a shipment of snapbacks in I figured a bro countdown was in order. What consists of being a bro? The three B’s: Booze, Broads, Beauty.

Number 5: Andrew Desjardins (San Jose Sharks)

If you followed the NHL playoffs this year and were keeping an eye on the Sharks as they moved through the rounds, at one point in time you had to say out loud to your buddy at the bar, “Who the fuck is the clown wearing number 69?” Yeah, that would be Andrew Desjardins. Who gives two shits that in his first year in the NHL he only had 4 points in 20 games? The fact that he had the balls to be only the second player (Mel Anglestad the first) in NHL history to wear the number 69 is absolutely hysterical. He says that the reason why he wears number 69 is because it was the number given to him in camp and you can’t change it after a certain amount of time… Okay buddy. How about you answer with the truth like “Why 69? Because its fucking hysterical, how can you not laugh when you look in the stands and see a 6 year-old wearing a number 69 jersey?” No flow, no wheels that I know of, and who knows if he even drinks… the sole fact that he wears number 69 puts you on this list.

Wayne Simmons with his best Shawn Michaels impresssion on Desjardins

Number 4: Evgeni Malkin (Pittsburgh Penguins)

The first of two Russians on this list, and although Malkin seems to be a lightweight in my opinion, this dude is always caught being wasted. He even speaks better english drunk (http://youtu.be/BPEljV0egOM). When asked how it felt to win the cup, he simply replied: “Big series, We win.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Geno is notorious for being caught with broads that are sixes at best, and coming from a writer who prides himself in being able to metaphorically tackle that rating of women like Bateman tackles Martel in the Replacements, I can definitely understand and respect that. Once again, no flow, and a dusty half-shield, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one, because ever since Darius Kasparitus left the Pens, we need a bro, and I think Geno took over the reins. Oh and this picture helps:

That's a fine... unless he's at Junction.

Number 3: Sean Avery

He would definitely be number one or two on this list had Sportscenter not exploited the guy who always wins the award for ‘most hated nhl player’ for his fashion sense and absurd professionalism off the ice. As soon as I heard him say “I can definitely appreciate a nice purse” I was definitely on the fence whether or not he was still in the closet. But then, perhaps the greatest pre-game press conference verbatim ever happened. Before a game in Calgary, Sean Avery called the media over to make a statement and unloaded this glorious quote toward Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf … “I’m really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada, and I just want to comment on how it’s become a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what’s that about, but enjoy the game tonight.” AND THEN WALKS AWAY. One of the funniest fucking things that has ever been said pre-game by any athlete. Oh and this ‘sloppy seconds’ he’s talking about… is Elisha Cuthbert, and she is a 10 before she puts makeup on. He’s also dated Rachel Hunter and Super model Hilary Rhoda… decent track record. He chirps, he wheels, and although most people hate him, I think what he does for the game is great.

Oh and when he screens goalies it looks like Helen Keller trying to find a light switch

Number Two: George Parros

If you followed my blog I wrote for Thread Magazine, then you can recall the entire post that I donated to the one and only George Parros. I said then and I will continue to argue now that he is a first ballot entrance into the bro hall of fame. He has an insane mustache, great flow, does a ton for his community and for charities, and all of this on an $800,000 salary, which is fairly low in comparison to the rest of his locker room. Parros is also a fucking genius, considering he went to Princeton and wrote his senior thesis on the West Coast longshoremen’s labor dispute, which the thought of gives me a migraine. If dress game was all that mattered in the NHL, Parros would be Gretzky, Orr, Richard, and Lemieux combined. There is no way around the fact that although he rides the bench 50 minutes a game, he is the biggest beauty in the rink at all times.

So filthy.

There isn’t even a competition for who is number 1 though.


Number One: Alex Ovechkin

I mean come on. Was it ever even a guess? Brovechkin, Brovy Wan Kenobi, The Easily Baked Broven. I recalled the three B’s : Broads, Booze, Beauty. And no one covers all three spectrum’s like Ovy. Lets start with Broads: Well, I’m just going to assume before even doing any research that arguably the most skilled winger ever to play the game doesn’t have a problem wheeling broads. Hell, I know 4th line guys in juniors who would make up stories about having D1 scholarships, and they were wheeling birds away from football players who already were in school on a D1 scholarship. According to BroBible, Ovechkin got with two Russian dimes during an interview for GQ, and there are numerous pictures around the web of him macking on our nation capital’s finest hunnies. Oh and did I mention he chews too? He does everything right. As for booze, Ovechkin has publicly stated numerous times that he loves to party, and since he is from Russia, he loves Vodka. There is nothing like a guy who is one of the best goal scorers in the NHL, drives the fastest cars known to man, bangs the hottest broads on the planet, drinks vodka straight out of the bottle, and celey’s like an absolute beast. I love goal celebrations. The fact that every time Ovechkin scores, he acts out the celebration that would have ensued had Gordon Bombay went bar down instead of bar out when he was a peewee in The Mighty Ducks is nothing short of remarkable. He wheels, he boozes, he parties, he celeys, he scores – The equation for the biggest bro the NHL has to offer.

Wasted? Check. Broads? Check.

Honorable Mention: Chris Chelios

I am only putting this because two weeks ago when I walked into the bar, who is the first person I see? Chris Fucking Chelios. And not only is he absolutely shit faced, but he is all over this broad who was young enough to be his daughter, which made me feel pretty bad for Deano, considering his dad probably wheels hotter broads than him… but then I remember he plays for Michigan State and I’m sure he’s doing okay. My dude and I approached Cheli and told him he had to let us buy him a drink, he says, and I quote, “Fuck that.” He proceeds to walk behind the bar, passed the manager, reaches under the bar and grabs two bud lights, he then walks over and hands them to us, and then bullshits with us for about 10 minutes before going back to wheel his newly 21 year old blonde smoke show. Props to Cheli.



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